We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The best revenge is living well.
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
I love being a dad. I just love it.
Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going what do you mean...