The best revenge is living well.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going what do you mean...