There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say "Yes I've got dreams of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it and yep t...
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't...
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
God created man, but I could do better.
Children make your life important.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.