Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family pi...
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.