Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family pi...
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.