It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family pi...
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.