Top Comedian Quotes

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.

Comedian Definition

(n.) An actor or player in comedy.

(n.) A writer of comedy.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with bal...

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Laughter is a tangible evidence of hope.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... o...

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate...

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then...

My ship came in,then it sank!

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to...

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,