If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being al...
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.