Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's...
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being al...
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.