I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being al...
Hermits have no peer pressure.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.