My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.