Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.