Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.