When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, wh...
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be...
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
You gotta be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody that goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happen!...
