As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself by not having the en...
But how come no one says anything to my face? I do dozens of events per year and I’ve met thousands of readers, and every single person I’ve ever encountered has been lovely. Why is that, I wonder? Am...
Dessert is my reward for having met my goals during the day. Really, dessert is an event rather than a specific item.
Did you get my e-mail? I’ll take What Are the Five Most Terrifying Words the Elderly Can Ever Utter? for two hundred, Alex. Wait,
I HAVE to stay here. I simply have to. To be honest, too much of my identity comes from possessing this space. As my job used to define me, living here’s all I have left. This apartment makes it OK th...
I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
With the mere click of a mouse, I can be put in my place but good via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Google+, just to name a few. (But not MySpace, which has been a ghost town sin...
You don’t have to be a writer, though, to know that making fun of yourself is a good way to deflect being made fun of. Like many people, I am hypercritical about myself so that I beat the haters to th...
Instances of egg Kristallnacht when we use a turkey baster to force egg
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds—way less easy than it sounds, by the way—I’ve become obsessed with my size, and in so doing I’ve inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voi...
In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning that a person's moral obligation is to promote their own welfare....
The book’s an attractive nuisance, Lacey replied, absolutely discounting reason. These kids are being systematically conditioned to crave pulverized nut spreads. Like brainwashing. Extra-crunchy brain...
Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets. I don’t want to reflect on my time on this earth and beat myself up for not having made an effort, for not pushing m...
Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets.
Worry that younger women are striving so hard to present a compelling story via images that they’re ignoring the substance that makes the story true. Ultimately, they’re going to end up really bitter...
Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn’t mean one can’t have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is...
Reality television gave me an amazing feeling of moral and intellectual superiority without actually requiring any effort past moving the dogs to find the remote.
When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes.Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?I'm not taking them off.Why not?I spent $180 on that...
If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pound...
Showing 121 to 140 of 146 results