Jen gets completely sloshed and it's her wedding)I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the aquarium the next morning, and somehow had the presence of mind to leave a voicemail apologizing in...
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
Wonder if Martha Stewart’s guests are greeted at the door with her sweating, crying, and shouting, ‘Here’s a recipe; get to work or we’re never eating Thanksgiving dinner!’ I
Photo developers everywhere are likely the reason my entire generation didn’t devolve into total chaos.
With the mere click of a mouse, I can be put in my place but good via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Google+, just to name a few. (But not MySpace, which has been a ghost town sin...
Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets.
The more we look at food as fuel and the more we take emotions out of eating, the more likely we are to moderate ourselves.
I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer...
I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many...
I bet if I spent less time with the television and more time pursuing activities that enhance my life and expand my knowledge, I won't freeze up in business or social situations.
Instances of egg Kristallnacht when we use a turkey baster to force egg
You don’t have to be a writer, though, to know that making fun of yourself is a good way to deflect being made fun of. Like many people, I am hypercritical about myself so that I beat the haters to th...
What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn years. How much time have I wasted in fretting about organizing this instead of actually organ...
Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets. I don’t want to reflect on my time on this earth and beat myself up for not having made an effort, for not pushing m...
If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pound...
Worry that younger women are striving so hard to present a compelling story via images that they’re ignoring the substance that makes the story true. Ultimately, they’re going to end up really bitter...
The book’s an attractive nuisance, Lacey replied, absolutely discounting reason. These kids are being systematically conditioned to crave pulverized nut spreads. Like brainwashing. Extra-crunchy brain...
Reality television gave me an amazing feeling of moral and intellectual superiority without actually requiring any effort past moving the dogs to find the remote.
When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes.Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?I'm not taking them off.Why not?I spent $180 on that...
In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning that a person's moral obligation is to promote their own welfare....