This toffee tastes like war or Lucifer’s tears. This toffee is a molten pool of broken Christmas promises. If sadness had a flavor, it would be the contents of the Pyrex.
This should be easy because I’ve fallen out of love with Facebook. First, I want to be the kind of friend who hears about others’ milestones in person. I hate learning about major life events buried i...
The only force more powerful than what’s about to befoul the checkout line is my passionate abhorrence for the lyric Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip / Mum mum mum mum mum mum / Get a job, so I manage...
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to say yes, only to have my plans fall through at the last minute and I can take off my regular-people clothes and redon my paint-splattered yoga pants.
My whole life I’ve harbored a resentment toward those who could ride no-handed. To this day, I can’t even sit on an exercise bike without clinging to the handlebars with a serious G.I.-Joe- kung-fu gr...
I’ve come to realize this isn’t real and there’s no substitute for actual interaction. The difference between social media and a social life is the difference between eating a marshmallow Peep and din...
I’ve always feared growing older because I thought I’d run out of interests, but what this project has taught me is that I’ve barely scratched the surface of what I could try next.
I’m through stopping midconversation to post a funny quote because I feel like it’s my job. I’m done creating link-bait. I’m going to be in the moment rather than upload the moment, because the purpos...
In other words? The bitch had it coming. And I am that bitch.
If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size. But you'll probably be happiest if you save a dog's life.
If I may, I’d like to take a moment to praise Mark Zuckerberg’s parents for not procreating sooner. Praise be to all that is holy that Facebook didn’t exist when I was that age and the Internet then w...
I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
I used to have to hunt for hard-boiled eggs when I was a kid. What was the point of that? Was I supposed to be, 'Yay! I found them! Egg-salad sandwiches for everyone!' I was seven! I wanted chocolate,...
I HAVE to stay here. I simply have to. To be honest, too much of my identity comes from possessing this space. As my job used to define me, living here’s all I have left. This apartment makes it OK th...
Dessert is my reward for having met my goals during the day. Really, dessert is an event rather than a specific item.
Couple this discovery with the realization that my things shouldn’t own me and that life’s meant to be lived, not displayed on Pinterest, and my sense is I’ve finally achieved something close to balan...
As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself by not having the en...
As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.
Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds—way less easy than it sounds, by the way—I’ve become obsessed with my size, and in so doing I’ve inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voi...
Sidebar: Mindy Kaling describes best friend as being a friendship tier and not a singular person. Mindy Kaling is wise beyond her years.)