I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind. I hate computers for getting their own section in the...
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
The Bible says that it’s all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it
In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin.
Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by...
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous,...
Walking twenty-five miles, or even running up the stairs and back, suddenly seemed pointless, since without the steps being counted and registered, what use were they?
Today the teacher told us that a ripe Camembert should have the same consistency as a human eyebrow.
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Sal...
It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, 'Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch betwee...
I realized I was a teacher when I felt warm during class and got up to open the door. Later on there was noise in the hallway, so I got up and shut it. Students can't open and close the door whenever...
A lot of our outlawed terms were invented by black people and then picked up by whites, who held on to them way past their expiration date. 'My bad,' for example, and 'I've got your back' and 'You go,...
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
In France the most often used word is connerie, which means bullshit, and in America it’s hands-down awesome, which has replaced incredible, good, and even just OK. Pretty much everything that isn’t t...
I'd think it strange that the boardinghouse attracted both him and me, but that's what cheap places do -- draw in people with no money. An apartment of my own was unthinkable at that time of my life,...