“ Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent languages.I hate you, she said to me one afternoon. Her English was flaw… David Sedaris
“ In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price, and then ask you for exact change. The story they give is that there aren't enough euros to go arou… David Sedaris
“ Of course, the diary helps me as well. 'That wasn't your position on July 7, 1991,' I'll remind Hugh an hour after we've had a fight. I'd have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look th… David Sedaris
“ I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magnificent Brueghel, take a picture of it, reducing it from art to proof. It's not Look what… David Sedaris
“ Moving heavy objects allowed me to feel manly in the eyes of other men. With the women it didn't matter, but I enjoyed subtly intimidating the guys with bad backs who thought they were helping out by… David Sedaris
“ Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings David Sedaris
“ Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times,… David Sedaris
“ I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little finger wave, the type a leprechaun might offer a pixie who was floating by on a maple leaf. Well, hi the… David Sedaris
“ My only comfort was the knowledge that I was not alone. Huddled in the hallways and making the most of our pathetic French, my fellow students and I engaged in the sort of conversation commonly overhe… David Sedaris
“ Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy. David Sedaris
“ If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm? David Sedaris
“ Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat. David Sedaris
“ I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. David Sedaris
“ On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind. David Sedaris
“ Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like. David Sedaris
“ At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and stagger… David Sedaris
“ The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. David Sedaris
“ Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened? David Sedaris
