For that’s all Gatorade ever tastes like—its color. Over the period that I had my stomach virus, I tried them all: blue, red, green, yellow, orange, and a new opaque one that tasted opaque.
Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you.
As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where he went to nursery school. His family left there in the midsixtie...
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
Didn’t need a fifteen-minute conversation, just some human interaction. It can be had, and easily: a gesture, a joke, something that says, I live in this world too.
Your trash. You’re trash. Your family’s trash.
You look like some cousin of mine. The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it’s a little creepy, the implication being the cousin I have always wanted to undress and ejaculate on.
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for...
Shopping has nothing to do with money. If you have it, you go to stores and galleries, and if not, you haunt flea markets or Goodwills.
She’d never expressed any great interest in the outdoors, so I scattered her remains on the carpet and then vacuumed her back up.
My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very...
I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on Nove...
Her, though! Once when I was in high school she caught me doing something or other, imitating my Spanish teacher, perhaps with a pair of tights on my head, and said, like someone at the end of her rop...
A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else’s language.
When shit brings you down, just say ‘fuck it,’ and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.)
That’s what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
But things change once you've been together for 10 years. They rarely make movies about long-term couples and for good reason. Our lives are boring.
When visitors leave, I feel like an actor watching the audience file out of the theater, and it was no different with my sisters. The show over, Hugh and I returned to lesser versions of ourselves. We...
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.
Today the teacher called me a sadist. I tried to say that was like the pot calling the kettle black but came out with something closer to That is like a pan saying to a dark pan, ‘You are a pan.