[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that Oh, I don't get involved in politics, as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and pan...
We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.
The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a ch...
If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than No, you tweeted your penis.
New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are y...
New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated...
If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could be something bad, I...
I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.
New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to b...
Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than sixty thousand troops in Germany and thirty thous...
America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in...
New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, What went on in that house?
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife. Please--the only thing an oil executive has in...
New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word sexy in front of it, thereby pe...