New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either...
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was wha...
We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should...
Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sa...
For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board! I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afgha...
Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, In God We T...
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be...
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that Oh, I don't get involved in politics, as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and pan...
New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of pow...
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.
We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.
New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are y...