Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be...
Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sa...
New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, In God We T...
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.
New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has exten...
New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of pow...
The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.
For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board! I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afgha...
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.
If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than No, you tweeted your penis.
New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are y...
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a ch...
Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.
If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.
[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that Oh, I don't get involved in politics, as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and pan...
I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.
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