New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I rec...
New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see...
New Rule: If you're going to have a rally where hundreds of thousands of people show up, you may as well go ahead and make it about something. With all due respect to my friends Jon Stewart and Stephe...
New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch. Sorry, bu...
New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I want to tell you to shut the fuck up.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the...
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.
My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a .
New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.
We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart.
You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.
Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?
If you send more than one news van to cover , then you have to change your name from to ?
New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to...
New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word France. Like just calling something French is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, What can you say about a...
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, Du...
New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hat...
New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just t...
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