Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.
Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is instead of as it should be.
Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.
Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'.
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.