Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools.
God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.
Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of i...
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Infidel n: in New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople one who does.
Pray v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.