Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. The...

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Nobody ever chooses the already unfortunate as objects of his loyal friendship.

The most deadly fruit is borne by the hatred which one grafts on an extinguished friendship.

Friendship is mutual blackmail elevated to the level of love.

Marriage is the highest state of friendship. If happy, it lessens our cares by dividing them, at the same time that it doubles our pleasures by mutual participation.

No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across...

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.

Love, friendship and respect do not unite people as much as a common hatred for something.

What sweetness is left in life, if you take away friendship? Robbing life of friendship is like robbing the world of the sun. A true friend is more to be esteemed than kinsfolk.