Top Humour Quotes

I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epitaph. LEO GURSKY: HE TRIED TO MAKE SENSE.

It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to s...

I’m not going anywhere until you hear me out.Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the nurse. a voice bellows through the speaker.I’m bein’ tortu...

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C+...

Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely.

The Robespierre women (as one tended to think of them now) were all on display. Madame looked actively, rather intimidatingly benevolent; it was her aim in life to find a Jacobin who was hungry, then...

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.

You can come after me or you can get the one thing you've always wanted.What? A tattoo of your face on my ass?

You stole a boat, she snapped. What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

All I had was a dream and six million pounds.'Denholm, The IT Crowd

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

I am who I am and that's who I am

As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.

never say never. whoops - said it twice

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck...