Top Humour Quotes

The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.

I'm pretty sure my parents arepretending they are sick.I know because I taught them bothto do that little trick. You blow your nose and hold your headand claim your brain is breaking.And so, a pro lik...

I Will Not Tease Rebecca GrimesI have to write one hundred times:"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."Okay, that's one. I'm far from done.(This isn't gonna be much fun.) "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes....

If you're not where you wanna be in your life, why you chilling so much?

But he survived, that radio announcer. His ship and five others out of the flotilla of ten came through, a bit radioactive, but otherwise unharmed. And I understand that the first thing that happened...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

What use is of an eye to be open if it's not there to see! Shouldn't it rather be gauged or closed for it deceives?

Back when I was a devout Pharisee, I scowled at those who talked about grace, assuming they wanted both salvation and permission to do whatever they pleased. And when I came to discover grace as a bib...

And she gave him a melting smile, the glutinous sweetness of which he devoured with the avidity of a diabetic who swallows a fatal spoonful of jam.

It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right.

Liers cannot be lied to because they know everything can be a lie.

Life is a circus: you go in, bow, run around, bow again and leave.

I got this to say. You're acting like a crowd of kids.

Bucks, doe — thank God everything boils down to money, I always say.During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets h...

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes...

How's Uncle Louis today? Who? And Aunt Maude?

I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe; God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America.

I have no doubt that you could have flung bricks by the hour in England's most densely populated districts without endangering the safety of a single girl capable of becoming Mrs. Augustus Fink-Nottle...

I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow

I think back to those days after the Bastille fell, the Mercure Nationale run from the back of the shop, that little Louise sticking her well-bred nose in the air and flouncing off to bawl out their p...