The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.
I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
No, no, because she's a mental adolescent, and being romantic,
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?Museum Girl: Yes, it is.Allan: What does it say to you?Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of...
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an a...
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
I was in bed at my beach house, but could not sleep because of some fried chicken in the icebox that I felt entitled to. I waited till my wife dropped off, and tiptoed into the kitchen. I remembered l...
If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.