Woody Allen Quotes

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to l...

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and...

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created...

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well...

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

No, no, because she's a mental adolescent, and being romantic,

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.