Woody Allen Quotes

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat...

End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it.Penélope and Javier anxious to work with me aga...

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be f...

Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into , or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, , and was running for...

So then, what do you believe in?

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks, Freud would let you trea...

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?