Carpe per diem - seize the check.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.
I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.
Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went thro...
There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absu...
The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.