My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.