Nothing good has ever come from anything that begins with God has a message for you.
Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. Someday the right one will catch you in between the eyes and you’ll never see it coming.
Maybe that's why Heaven is silent and God doesn't speak to man anymore. Heavenly intervention would blow the point spread.
Maybe I should have kept my rock. At least I wouldn’t look quite so much like a deer caught in the headlights. No. I’d look like a deer with a rock. Forget it. We
It’s a whole plot of flowers ranging from a few inches to a foot high. They have petals like roses, but in the center of each blossom is a bright white set of teeth. They snap and snarl at me when I g...
Is killing someone always like this? Just the first couple of times. After that it’s like folding socks. But that’s just me. She
In a conversation like this when someone says ‘not yet’ it makes my balls ache. You know why? Because that’s where the knee is going. Because ‘not yet’ means I have to do something and it’s going to h...
If you ever see me in a matching T-shirt with a woman—any woman—shoot me. Okay? Morty nodded. You didn’t have to ask. I’d have done it on principle. Thank you. I know a cry for help when I see it.
If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.
I prefer Abomination. It fits better on a T-shirt. I’d comp you one, but we don’t have any big enough for your ego.
I guess I don’t have a choice. Of course you have a choice, she says. They’re just not very good choices.
I down whatever’s in the glass, though, because at this point I’d drink paint thinner out of a hobo’s galoshes.
I can deal with fighting in the arena in Hell, but laundry and dishes put the fear of God in me.
Death smiles at us all and all a man can do is smile back.
Besides, do you think you would have come if I’d just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing andsaid, ‘Hello, I’m the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me outwith a little war ne...
Are we in danger? he says. It depends on what you mean by ‘we.’ Am I in danger? That’s the first smart thing anyone’s said to me today. And, yes, you really are. So do what I tell you.
A gun is like love. The universal language.
Good intentions and a dime won't get you a damned thing in this world...
Young vampires are all assholes. It’s part of their job description.
You have to burn beliefs when they become convenient lies solely for the purpose of gaining and holding power.