Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Deep down, he's shallow.
Let us hope...that a kind Providence will put a speedy end to the acts of God under which we have been laboring.
The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.
Murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums.
Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
The rich aren't like us they pay less taxes.
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
I write when I'm inspired, and I see to it that I'm inspired at nine o'clock every morning.
If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist - I feel like countering with the word seriousist.
Write drunk; edit sober.
Human nature is pretty shabby stuff, as you may know from introspection.
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.