Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And prob...
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the...
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.