I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And prob...
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.