You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.