You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.