You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.