Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.
That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, becau...
Was asking what the difference was between mime and pantomime and no one would say.
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.
The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and...
He (coach) looks for size, speed being rare among Norwegians and Germans, and for malleability or what he calls attitude.
Free enterprise runs on self interest. This is socialism and it runs on loyalty . . . if people were going to live by comparison shopping, the town would go bust . . . If you live there you have to ta...
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
A person cannot coast along in old destructive habits year after year and accept whatever comes along. A person must stand up on her own two legs and walk. Get off the bus and go get on another. Climb...
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon
And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine...