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Emo Philips Quotes

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Tags: funny, door, friend, kid

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Tags: computers, me, chess, boxing

About Author
Emo Philips (born Philip Soltanec, February 7, 1956) is an American actor, stand-up comedian, writer, and producer. His stand-up comedy persona makes use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice. The confused, childlike delivery of his material produces the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the "wisdom of children" or the idiot savant.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Tags: alone, funny, night, thanks

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Tags: family, good, life, time

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Tags: forgiveness, work, night, me

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Tags: humor

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Tags: funny, people, hand, here

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Tags: morning, leather, just, through

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Tags: smile, me, disaster, never

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Tags: good, money, life, school

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Tags: men

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Tags: morning

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Tags: women

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Emo Philips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Tags: brain, emo philips, mindfulness

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Tags: religion

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Tags: sex