“ I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Emo Philips
“ You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips
“ Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. Emo Philips
“ I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips
“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
“ When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips
“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. Emo Philips
“ Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips
“ I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips
