Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you.
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by...
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
I’d asked the same question a few years earlier in Amsterdam and learned that in the Netherlands you’re more apt to bring a disease into it. Like if someone drives in a crazy way, it’s normal to call...
I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on Nove...
For that’s all Gatorade ever tastes like—its color. Over the period that I had my stomach virus, I tried them all: blue, red, green, yellow, orange, and a new opaque one that tasted opaque.
Her expression changed then, becoming fearful rather than merely pained. It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shakey ladder, the crazy person w...
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else’s language.
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
I wonder whose job it was to assign these sexes in the first place. Did he do his work right there in the sanitarium, or did they rent him a little office where he could get away from all the noise?
High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away,...
It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
It's as though we had asked to have ice cubes in our wine, like, Ick, who are you?
I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.
You look like some cousin of mine. The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it’s a little creepy, the implication being the cousin I have always wanted to undress and ejaculate on.
Have a blessed day. This can make you feel like you’ve been sprayed against your will with God cologne.
If you don’t think a mental patient has the right to bring a sawed-off shotgun to the church where his ex-girlfriend is getting married, you’re part of the problem.
آدمها به آن اندازهای که مهربان هستند احمق نیستند!
Shopping has nothing to do with money. If you have it, you go to stores and galleries, and if not, you haunt flea markets or Goodwills. Never, though, do you not do it, choosing instead to visit a par...
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