February 16, 1988Reasons to live:1. Christmas2. The family beach trip3. Writing a published book4. Seeing my name in a magazine5. Watching C. grow bald6. Ronnie Ruedrich7. Seeing Amy on TV8. Other peo...
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.
Delinquent style is timeless. Real trouble doesn’t walk around with a ponytail. It doesn’t have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.
Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you've come to mow its lawns.
Buy it. This is my sister Amy’s advice in regard to everything, from a taxidermied horse head to a camouflage thong. Just get it, she says. You’ll feel better. Eye something closely or pick it up for...
But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a f...
Bill Gates, who has murdered more innocents than even the Clintons, apparently.
Because that’s really something I can’t stand — when people refer to themselves as crazy. The truly crazy are labeled so on the grounds that they see nothing wrong with their behavior. They forge ahea...
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. By this I meant that I would stop living in a fantasy world; that, while standing in line for a hamburger or my shot...
After that there was nothing left to say as nothing gets on my nerves more than someone repeating the same phrase twice. I think it’s something people have picked up from television, this emotional st...
Across town, over in the East Village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of existence. Though it sometimes seemed like a nice idea, I hoped the revolution wou...
A few years later, in the midst of a brief academic setback, she trained him to act as her emotional cheerleader. I'd call and hear him in the background, screaming, We love you, Lisa! and You can do...
The lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. You kids think you invented sex, my mother was fond of saying. But hadn’t we? With no instruction manual or federally enforced training period, didn’t...
Started feeling real sorry for everybody, even though they were screaming and acting silly. I thought about how much work it was to have fun, and how brave we all were for going to the trouble, since...
Some cigarettes and when I returned she sat me down to discuss the Winter Olympics. Did you see it on the TV? That Tonya Harding? I never liked her. She’s a street fighter is what she is, a dirty snot...
Or the class moron will go on to become the president of the United States—though that’s more likely to happen at Harvard or Yale, schools that will pretty much let in anybody.
Isn’t that technology’s job? To lighten our burden? To broaden our horizons? To make it possible to talk to your attorney and listen to a Styx album and check the obituaries in the town where your par...
But that’s what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
But all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.
You’re trying to convince me? Amy asked. The one who has a second apartment two blocks from her first apartment just so she can get away from her rabbit for a couple of hours a day?