I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression: I was told that if something is unpleasant it's p...
I think we’ve both seen this coming for a long… time. The only question left is… what are we going to do about it? Oh, baby, let’s run wild.
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY, and Hugh and I are seated in a New York restaurant, awaiting the arrival of our fifteen-word entrées. He looks very nice, dressed in the suit and sweater that have always belonged...
If you see devils, they lock you up, but in America, if you see angels, they put you on morning TV.
Imi place sa vad oamenii dezbracati, dar nu sunt sigur ca sunt pregatit sa ma vad pe mine dezbracat. Cel mult voi scapa de cateva kilorame din cauza anxietatii si voi iesi castigat de doua ori. Cu cat...
In 2004, I offered priority (book)-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved...
In my book, if you want to be treated like an old person, you have to look like one. That means no face-lift, no blond hair, and definitely no fishnet stockings.
In my experience, it was hard to write without your preferred tools, but impossible to write without a cigarette.
In the last month of the presidential campaign, I tuned in to conservative talk radio and listened as callers considered the unthinkable. One after another, they all threatened the same thing: If McCa...
It made no sense naturewise—owls and songbirds work different shifts, and even if they didn’t they would still never be friends.
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
It's not that I don't have opinions about these things. I just don't feel they're in any way special. Sure, I follow the news. I read the papers and listen to the radio, but I'm not privy to any insid...
It’s not lost on me that I’m so busy recording life, I don’t have time to really live it. I’ve become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magn...
Like everything else, holiday gifts escalate. The presents get better and better until one year you decide you don’t need anything else and start making donations to animal shelters. Even if you hate...
Lisa and I groaned, cursing our stupidity. Once again we’d been duped. There was nothing worse than spending an afternoon on a golf course. We knew what was in store for us and understood that the nex...
March 30, 1998Because I was in a bind with my BBC story, I devoted most of my day to defrosting the freezer.
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
November 4, 1987 Chicago I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read I LOVE KILLING COMMUNISTS. The word love was replaced by a heart shape I’m guessing they’ll put on the typewriter keyboard any d...
One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike some...
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