David Sedaris Quotes

Bill Gates, who has murdered more innocents than even the Clintons, apparently.

Broke a nail clean off, and when it grew back it looked like a Brazil nut.

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a f...

But songbirds are trash, the chicken said, and the guinea hen laughed, saying, Well, then, I guess we could all use a little more trash in our lives.

Buy it. This is my sister Amy’s advice in regard to everything, from a taxidermied horse head to a camouflage thong. Just get it, she says. You’ll feel better. Eye something closely or pick it up for...

By Thanksgiving I was imagining people naked rather than dead and naked, which was an improvement.

Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you've come to mow its lawns.

Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what? he said. Literaturizing?

Dad said that the guy who can play guitar is going to be the life of the party. He’s confusing life with death.

Delinquent style is timeless. Real trouble doesn’t walk around with a ponytail. It doesn’t have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.

Do you have a feel for the guitar? Do you have any idea what this little baby is capable of? Without waiting for an answer, he climbed up into his chair and began playing Light My Fire, adding, This o...

Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable down-swing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times...

Exceptions were made for Friday episodes of One Life to Live, and, occasionally, for Oprah, who was one of the few black people Helen had any regard for. Perhaps in the past she had been more open-min...

February 13, 1989 Chicago Tonight at Barbara’s Bookstore, Tobias Wolff read from his new memoir, This Boy’s Life.

February 16, 1988Reasons to live:1. Christmas2. The family beach trip3. Writing a published book4. Seeing my name in a magazine5. Watching C. grow bald6. Ronnie Ruedrich7. Seeing Amy on TV8. Other peo...

Finally he was hit by a train while walking, which is strange because trains don’t generally sneak up on people. For the most part, barring a derailment, you know exactly where to find them.

Following a brief period of hard-won independence she came to appreciate the fact that people aren’t foolish as much as they are kind.

For an American, though, Australia seems pretty familiar: same wide streets, same office towers. It’s Canada in a thong, or that’s the initial impression.

For my fifty dollars, I want to leave the doctor's office in tears, but instead I walk out feeling like a hypochondriac, which is one of the few things I'm actually not.

Frustrated with drawing, I switched to the printmaking department, where I overturned great buckets of ink. After trying my hand at sculpture, I attempted pottery. During class critiques the teacher w...