David Sedaris Quotes

A new group, flexitarians, who eat meat if not too many people are watching.

His voice was high and strange, as if it had been recorded and was now being played back at a faster speed.

Living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you...

After I die, and you read something bad about yourself in my diary, do yourself a favor and keep reading, I often say to Hugh. I promise that on the next page you’ll find something flattering. Or mayb...

And I'm here to tell you that, as long as you keep your eyes shut, it's really not that bad.

And he always has a fantastic body, shown at its best on the cross, which—face it—was practically designed to make a man’s stomach and shoulders look good.

Every clue was italicized with a burst of surging trumpets, and under questioning, the suspects snapped like toothpicks, buckling in less time than it took to soft-boil an egg.

Her people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready — so who was she to advise me on anything?

Here I am, just turned fifty, and I forgot that my father isn’t dead yet!

I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters

I can’t be alone in this, can I? And, of course, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Therefore you keep the crocheted owl given to you by your second-youngest sister and accidentally on purpose...

I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then reread them if the child so orders....

I felt betrayed, the way you do when you discover that your cat has a secret secondary life and is being fed by neighbors who call him something stupid like Calypso. Worse is that he loves them as muc...

I had just turned twenty-nine, and honestly, I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Sometimes it felt like life was more a process of elimination than a series of choices.

I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn’t care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal...

I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder’s performance piece. The script was great.‘When I bleat here, do you want me to just bleat or to really let go an...

I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

I later learn that what I suffered was called blunt force trauma. It's remarkably similar to how I felt after the election, as if I'd been slammed into a wall or hit by a car. Both pains persist-show...

I noticed my mother’s face assume an expression she reserved for unspeakable horror. I had seen this look only twice before: once when she was caught in the path of a charging, rabid pig and then agai...

I refuse to support the poltergeist industry, so would sooner sleep in a cardboard box than at the Belle Grove Plantation or the Albert Shafsky House, or any of the other places listed in the Hundred...