Real trouble doesn’t walk around with a ponytail. It doesn’t have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.
Poor, chubby Annette Kelper, who desperately tries to pretend that nobody notices the fact that she’s balding on top of her head. That’s right. Look closely — balding just like a man. Perhaps Randy fe...
Our neighbors would rise early and visit the malls, snatching up gift-wrapped Dustbusters and the pom-pommed socks used to protect the heads of golf clubs. Christmas would arrive and we, the people of...
One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, What’s the most exotic place you’ve ever made love? He was likely expecting The kitchen or On a te...
On a recent flight from Tokyo to Beijing, at around the time that my lunch tray was taken away, I remembered that I needed to learn Mandarin. Goddamnit, I whispered. I knew I forgot something.
Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face. Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't b...
North Carolina is temperate and populated with well-meaning people; therefore I will engage in oral sex with another man.
My sister has appendages connected to her ankles. They feature toes and arches, but I cannot call them feet. In color they resemble the leathery paws of great apes, but in texture they are closer to h...
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions who hate you for _what_ you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt...
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about
Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out of your mama's tattered old pussy, grabbed hold of her milk stained titties, and you ain't never look...
Most of my ribbons were for good sportsmanship, a backhanded compliment if ever there was one.
Most movies and TV shows get drugs wrong. Someone takes a bong hit and spends the next few hours laughing uncontrollably. Someone takes acid and steps into the Sergeant Pepper cover. Six Feet Under ge...
Me: Did you get your tree yet? Ken: I’m a Jew, I don’t decorate Christmas trees. Me: So you’re going to go with a wreath instead? Ken: I just told you, I’m a Jew. Me: Oh, I get it. You’re looking for...
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, so...
Jews in concentration camps had shaved heads and tattoos. You’d think the anti-Semites would go for a different look.
I’m surrounded by people who have more money than they know what to do with, and none of them have earned it.
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
It seems crazy to cut smoking mothers out of textbooks, but within a few years they won't be allowed in movies either. A woman can throw her newborn child from the roof of a high-rise building. She ca...
It really is torture to sit around the house and write all day. I’m thinking it might motivate me to finish the book faster, the thought that after it’s finished I can return to housecleaning. The