Here I am, just turned fifty, and I forgot that my father isn’t dead yet!
Her: So how was your trip in? You: Well, I was originally going to fly, but then this tiger offered to carry me very gently in her mouth. I said OK, but you know what? She wasn’t gentle at all. One of...
He has a point there, that’s harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again.
Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one
Gambling to me is what a telephone pole might be to a groundhog. He sees that it’s there but doesn’t for the life of him understand why.
Fly enough, and you learn to go brain-dead when you have to. It’s sort of like time travel. One minute you’re bending to unlace your shoes,and the next thing you know you’re paying fourteen dollars fo...
Even in a jar, that kid has outearned me.
Ebola, not the thousands who had died of it in Africa but the single person who had it in Dallas.
Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.
Boxes of records made me think that LPs should be outlawed or at least limited to five per person, and I soon came to despise the type who packs even her empty shampoo bottles, figuring she’ll sort th...
At what point had I realized that class couldn’t save you, that addiction or mental illness didn’t care whether you’d taken piano lessons or spent a summer in Europe?
Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable.
As we walk into the store, he confides that his biggest regret is that Melina never got to have sex, that he ruined all that by getting her spayed.
And I'm here to tell you that, as long as you keep your eyes shut, it's really not that bad.
All these young mothers chauffeuring their volcanic three-year-olds through the grocery store. The child's name always sounds vaguely presidental, and he or she tends to act accordingly. Mommy hears w...
All I can say is that if it helps to have friends, it helps even more to have friends who are governors!
After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too, and before leaving work she planned to simmer it...
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
A young couple strolls by, the adoration of one bouncing off the tolerance of the other.
A guy needs a place where he can gaze into the ocean and sort things out. It