Other people’s pain is uninteresting. My own, though, is spellbinding.
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
July 3, 1981 Raleigh There is a new cancer that strikes only homosexual men. I heard about it on the radio tonight.
In 2004,I offered priority (book)-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved...
If there'd been anything decent in the house, anything approaching real ice cream, it would have been eaten long ago. I knew this, so I bypassed the freezer in the kitchen and the secondary freezer in...
I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So, if there is a costume involved,...
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
I explained that he was Chinese, and she asked if the movie would be in Chinese. No, I said, he lives in America. In California. He's been there since he was a baby. Then what does it matter if he's C...
I don’t know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then rereading them if the child so order...
Hugh and I returned to Normandy the following summer, and I resumed my identity as the village idiot. See you again yesterday! I said to the butcher. Ashtray! Bottleneck!
Honestly, though, does choice even come into it? Is it my fault that the good times fade to nothing while the bad ones burn forever bright? Memory aside, the negative just makes for a better story: th...
Her: So how was your trip in? You: Well, I was originally going to fly, but then this tiger offered to carry me very gently in her mouth. I said OK, but you know what? She wasn’t gentle at all. One of...
He sounded like me when I sensed there were drugs around: All I know is that if someone wants to get high, or wants to watch while I smoke his dope, I'll do it. I really will.
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered th...
Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.
Built around 1780... a two-hour train ride from Paris... the neighbor keeps his horses in my backyard... pies made with apples from my own trees...I caught the highlights of Hugh's broadcast and under...
At around five, I took the L home. A woman near me had a three-year-old child on her lap, a girl, who looked at me and said, Mommy, I hate that man.
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is...
But wasn't everyone in England supposed to be a detective? Wasn't every crime, no matter how complex, solved in a timely fashion by either a professional or a hobbyist? That's the impression you get f...