The Times came last night; tonight it was Newsday and the Voice. I want to tell them we were just joking. It’s not a real play, it’s what comes from doodling while you’re holding a bong.
That said, I admire people who are curious and open their minds to new possibilities, especially after a certain age. You have to draw the line somewhere, though, and with me it’s my anus.
Some people, I thought, opening the wet wipes so I could wash the tumor off my hands before I touched my wallet.
Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—A rescue snake, she’d be quick to inform you. This made it sound like he’d been snatched from the jaws...
Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather, it's the little things we're strong-armed into conserving. At a chain...
One of the people I voted for this morning was named Lee Botts. Her campaign slogan is HER BOTTOM LINE IS CLEAN WATER. Someone tampered with the sign she had in front of the school, and now it reads L...
One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.
It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a fist.
If I'm walking down an American street and anyone darker than a peanut shell approaches, I'll say, Hello. This because, if I don't say it, he or she might think that I'm anxious. Which, of course, I m...
I wanted to deny him, but that's the terrible power of a diary: it not only calls forth the person you used to be but rubs your nose in him, reminding you that not all change is evolutionary. More oft...
I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So, if there is a costume involved,...
I felt the hatred of my classmates and slunk down in my seat. Then,
Dad wants to talk about her death—he needs to—but unlike the rest of us, who yak incessantly about our feelings, he has no vocabulary for it and is reduced to the clichés you’d find on a sympathy card...
By this point in my stay, my list of don’ts covered three pages and included such reminders as: never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed t...
Behind the naive vanities, the daydreams, they had very badly wanted to be writers. Had wanted it without knowing at all what it was they wanted, their fervor making up for their ignorance. His older...
At around five, I took the L home. A woman near me had a three-year-old child on her lap, a girl, who looked at me and said, Mommy, I hate that man.
I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of be...
All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
This former director of the FBI whom we all hated until someone we hated even more fired him.
Bowl. It was disgusting to think that this was what a gumdrop might look like in your stomach, and it was insulting to be told not to take too much of something you didn’t really want in the first pla...