That said, I admire people who are curious and open their minds to new possibilities, especially after a certain age. You have to draw the line somewhere, though, and with me it’s my anus.
Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cr...
Some people, I thought, opening the wet wipes so I could wash the tumor off my hands before I touched my wallet.
Man ordering at Butera’s deli/prepared-foods counter: Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around.
Mijn vader houdt van jazz en heeft een uitgebreide verzameling platen en banden waarvan hij vroeger als hij uit zijn werk kwam kon genieten. Hij kon met een rothumeur binnenkomen, maar als hij Dexter...
By this point in my stay, my list of don’ts covered three pages and included such reminders as: never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed t...
In binghamton, new york, winter meant snow, and though I was young when we left, I was able to recall great heaps of it, and use that memory as evidence that North Carolina was, at best, a third-rate...
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.
My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.
Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it th...
Most often, our water is shut off because of some reconstruction project, either in our village or in the next one over. A hole is dug, a pipe is replaced, and within a few hours things are back to no...
Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, And what would you like for Christmas?
This former director of the FBI whom we all hated until someone we hated even more fired him.
It's always so satisfying when you can twist someone's hatred into guilt--make her realize that she was wrong, too quick to judge, too unwilling to look beyond her own petty concerns.
It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.
It means ‘female dog,’ I’d explained to my sisters, but it also means ‘a woman who’s crabby and won’t let you be yourself.
Increasingly at Southern airports, instead of a good-bye or thank-you, cashiers are apt to say, Have a blessed day. This can make you feel like you’ve been sprayed against your will with God cologne....
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. Soap opera characters make emphatic pronouncements. They ball up their fists and state their goals...
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or accidentally ripping out their IV. I think it was their fortitude that frightened...
It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves...
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