I’ll do the snails on cinnamon toast.
It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a fist.
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.
I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the w...
I was still hoping that it might be a phase, that I'd wake up the next day and be normal. In the best of times, it seemed like such a short leap. I did fantasize about having a girlfriend—never the se...
I thought of those people on the bus, going from one shitty place to the next, expecting nothing to change but the landscape. Soon I’d be sitting beside them, sharing my potato chips and thinking of t...
Hugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. And you actually saw people smoking in restuarants? Really! And office...
Back off, world. It’s time for me to be good to me.
I'm not a parent myself, but I think the best solution at this point is to slap that child across the face. It won't stop crying, but at least now it'll be doing it for a good reason.
I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of be...
There’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.
You ever been to Tijuana? he asked. Most of Dupont’s stories began with a question and ended with an insatiable woman, buck naked and begging for more.
We’re forever blaming the airline industry for turning us into monsters: it’s the fault of the ticket agents, the baggage handlers, the slowpokes at the newsstands and the fast food restaurants. But w...
The problem isn't gaining weight, it's gaining it in the right place.
The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.
The Times came last night; tonight it was Newsday and the Voice. I want to tell them we were just joking. It’s not a real play, it’s what comes from doodling while you’re holding a bong.
That said, I admire people who are curious and open their minds to new possibilities, especially after a certain age. You have to draw the line somewhere, though, and with me it’s my anus.
Some people, I thought, opening the wet wipes so I could wash the tumor off my hands before I touched my wallet.
Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather, it's the little things we're strong-armed into conserving. At a chain...