Bill Maher Quotes

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him.

New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, You either love me or you hate me. There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill...

Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, If Brazil can do it, America can, too! Sinc...

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional op...

Say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing.

A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that...

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists...

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems l...

New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: Would you like to live on the moon? And the...

New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. If conservatives get to call universal health care socialized medicine, I get to call private, for-profit health care soulless vampire bastard...

New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I su...

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to p...

Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone’s finally learned to ignore them. When...

The big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the left is just as violent and cruel as the right, that unions are just powerful as corporations, that reverse...

True patriotism is doing something for your country.

Jesus is great -- is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between -- the bureaucracy, you know. ... It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim...