New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House--until you consider the end zone is between Clinton'...
New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to...
In America, there's no idea so patently absurd that it can't catch on.
I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need m...
There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional op...
Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, If Brazil can do it, America can, too! Sinc...
New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says We're serious about fiscal responsibility quite like a bil...
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and s...
New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, You either love me or you hate me. There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.
Let's face it God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.
The big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the left is just as violent and cruel as the right, that unions are just powerful as corporations, that reverse...
New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I su...
New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. If conservatives get to call universal health care socialized medicine, I get to call private, for-profit health care soulless vampire bastard...
New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: Would you like to live on the moon? And the...
New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that her...
New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists...
New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal energy. That's like a lumber company calling wood fire. Or Budweiser calling beer urine. Okay, that one kind of makes sense.
A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that...