Say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing.
True patriotism is doing something for your country.
There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional op...
Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, If Brazil can do it, America can, too! Sinc...
New Rule: Stop hitting on women at the dog park. Yes, we're talking to you, divorced guy with a ponytail. That better be a Milk-Bone in your pocket, because we're not glad to see you. Women come to th...
New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off last night, you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on last night, you're no longer a star.
New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that her...
New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists...
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
The big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the left is just as violent and cruel as the right, that unions are just powerful as corporations, that reverse...
Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone’s finally learned to ignore them. When...
New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I su...
New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, You either love me or you hate me. There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.
New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. If conservatives get to call universal health care socialized medicine, I get to call private, for-profit health care soulless vampire bastard...
New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: Would you like to live on the moon? And the...
New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems l...
A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that...
There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional...
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to p...