In America, there's no idea so patently absurd that it can't catch on.
New Rule: Bring back a little pubic hair. Not a lot, I'm not talking about reviving that 1973 look that said I'm liberated and I'm smuggling a hedgehog.I just want a friendly, fuzzy calling card that'...
New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the s...
New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal energy. That's like a lumber company calling wood fire. Or Budweiser calling beer urine. Okay, that one kind of makes sense.
New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you have made a salad but chose not to, then I get to pay you with an ATM receipt, which proves I have the...
New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once.
We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart. Iowa grandpas and nine-year-old girls from Ohio are...
There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional...
My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all.
New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, I bet that guy is interesting, they're thinking,...
Let's face it God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus?
New Rule: You can't bum-rush the president for autographs after he just lectured you for an hour about how you have to grow up. Have some dignity, for Christ's sake. He's your coworker, not Hannah Mon...
NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish govern...
Bloodless revolutions are rare.
When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
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