Bill Maher Quotes

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word sexy in front of it, thereby pe...

New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that her...

New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House--until you consider the end zone is between Clinton'...

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and s...

New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don't know who you are, but Desperate _____wives?...

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need m...

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only w...

New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off last night, you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on last night, you're no longer a star.

New Rule: Stop hitting on women at the dog park. Yes, we're talking to you, divorced guy with a ponytail. That better be a Milk-Bone in your pocket, because we're not glad to see you. Women come to th...

New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says We're serious about fiscal responsibility quite like a bil...

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and pandere...

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.