Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.
New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christ...
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us.
New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades, I've received word from General Soros and our partners in t...
New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if ju...
New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, Why? Why, God? Why…didn’t you take Pat Robertson with him? I don’t want to say Jerry was...
It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous am...
But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that yo...
Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, We think you're crazy and going t...
New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's a bed, not an obstacle course. I'm sorry, baby, I'd like to mak...
New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get face-to-face with sharks, so he went diving in waters...
New Rule: America must stop bragging it's the greatest country on earth, and start acting like it. I know this is uncomfortable for the faith over facts crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a...
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.
I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.
It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved.
I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're !
New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either...