Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of
I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!
Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christ...
We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us.
New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades, I've received word from General Soros and our partners in t...
New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, Why? Why, God? Why…didn’t you take Pat Robertson with him? I don’t want to say Jerry was...
But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that yo...
New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's a bed, not an obstacle course. I'm sorry, baby, I'd like to mak...
New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if ju...
It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous am...
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, We think you're crazy and going t...
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.