If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to.
The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.
Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn't understand his use of profanity. He didn't use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of...
Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Learning to read clusters is not something your eyes do naturally. It takes constant practice.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I think 'I Spy,' still when you look at it, speaks volumes in terms of propaganda for equality. It's just magnificent.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
The heart of marriage is memories and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.