The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".
When I give speeches at college, I don't tell stories, I talk about what it is to live your dreams and take the path less traveled.
I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.
If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.
8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS...
Whatever your favorite food is, if you eat it every day for a month, you're going to get sick of it.
See, what you're talking about is why hanging out with ME would be fun for YOU. It doesn't explain anything about why it'd be fun for ME. You don't bring banter. You aren't witty. You aren't funny. Th...
I'm fresh out of fucks to give.
People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom o...
Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.
Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want
It's like a mini Bourbon Street with less culture and more disgusting hookers.
I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.
If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.
Random Girl after a hookup: Do you love meTucker: I don't understand the question.
I prefer to keep fooling myself, at least for a little while longer.
No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of jud...
Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you...
5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush. Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.
I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at th...
Showing 1 to 20 of 57 results