I’m so dull, the fucking cat runs away about three times a month just to get a little excitement. And
I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.Waitress! Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. Bring two! then, more quietly,You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bu...
How's your grandpa?Still worried that your blackness will infect me.That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the b...
Honestly. Do guys really think that will fool us? 'Whoa, hi there, John. Gosh, for a second there I thought you were going bald, but I see now that you have a full, lush head of hair. Which grows side...
First of all, skim? That’s white water. That’s all skim milk is: they take out all the wonderful stuff that makes milk taste like milk and replace it with white water and people actually drink that sh...
Eric came to Macy's? Did he burst into flames the moment he passed the first cash register?
AT&T works in Hell. I can’t think about it very long or I’ll get really, really scared of AT&T.
Majesty, I beg your forgiveness for the idignity you suffered and offer you the head of our enemy as—Put that thing down, I said impatiently. I can't talk to you when you're shaking his head like a da...
I've always assumed he'd be around to be, you know, yelled at and taken for granted. And of course I was wrong. Nobody's going to put up with that forever.
I zoomed in on the shoe department like a blonde homing pigeon. Shoes, shoes everywhere! Ah, sweet shoes. I truly think you can take the measure of a civilization by looking at its footwear.
I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my...
I looked up. Mom looked down at me with the compassion/practicality combo that was her trademark.
I fucking hate tomato juice! It’s like drinking red snot.
I ducked again as her Hellfire sword whistled over my head, and sidestepped so quickly I tripped over a chair. I was in such a hurry to scramble to my feet that for a few seconds I ran in place, like...
Hi, the werewolf said. He was dark-haired and broad, with gold eyes, big hands, and a feral scruffiness that Cole felt and instantly responded to. He had the weird urge to kill a cow and present it to...
WHEN I finally slowed and looked around, I saw with amazement I’d trotted sixteen blocks in about three minutes. Summer Olympics, here I come. Assuming they held the races at night.
Touch my things again, whether I'm dead or not, and I'll kick your ass up into your shoulder blades.
Too fucking busy, and vice versa. —DOROTHY PARKER,
There's more than one way for a girl to Google a cat.
The mouth of a passionate lover... or a woman who would bite when she was angry.