Mark Twain Quotes

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it.

We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that the savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Well, there are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.

We met a great many other interesting people, among them Lewis Carroll, author of the immortal Alice--but he was only interesting to look at, for he was the silliest and shyest full-grown man I have e...

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

Evolution is the law of policies: Darwin said it, Socrates endorsed it, Cuvier proved it and established it for all time in his paper on 'The Survival of the Fittest.' These are illustrious names, thi...

I would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.

A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.

Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.

I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or...

Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view of the case, and so I dropped the matter. When you can't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use to argue?

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to pr