I'd like to start a family but you have to have a date first.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Golf and dating don't mix.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserv...
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
Obviously comedic styles do change.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.